


Doubts

by darkness_prince_dan



Series: Song based drabbles [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 00:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4725434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkness_prince_dan/pseuds/darkness_prince_dan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bad decisions are his way of life and Dan has no idea how to live without screwing himself over. This time, however, is worse than any other.<br/>A short drabble based on the song 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' by Green Day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubts

He fucks up consistently and it’s always his own fault and he knows it but does he try to fix it? Sure as hell not. Bad decisions are his way of life and Dan has no idea how to live without screwing himself over again and again. This time, however, is worse than any other.

It was just another Friday night for Dan when Phil caught his eye in some random bar. A boy so out of place with his neat fringe, ironed shirt, sipping a pink cocktail, among all these tattooed blokes, nursing bears or downing shots of vodka.  _A thrill seeker_ , Dan had thought, watching him glance around the crowd. But these kinds of guys are basically the meat of Dan’s one night stands so he approached him with his usual confidence.

“Hi, I’m Dan,” the brunet said, smirking, not even trying to hide that he’s checking the other out.

“I’m Phil,” he responded, throwing Dan a bit off balance with his ease and cute smile.

“Aren’t you too adorable to be here, Phil?” Dan asked, leaning on the bar, his fingertips trailing along the knuckles of Phil’s hand.

“Judging a book by its cover, aren’t you, Dan?” Phil grinned, watching Dan’s gentle touches.

“Oh, so you’re not as innocent as you seem?” The brunet glanced at him, their eyes meeting.

“Why don’t you find out?” Phil stood up, his chest nearly touching Dan’s, lips ghosting over his jaw line then nipping at his earlobe. “Your place or mine?” He whispered, not beating around the bush.

“Mine,” Dan answered before kissing him there and then, unable to resist the temptation of this seemingly ordinary guy who, apparently, knew just the right way to intrigue Dan.

The one night stand turned into something more really quickly. A month later and Dan couldn’t sleep if Phil wasn’t beside him, he couldn’t go to work without pecking Phil’s lips goodbye, he couldn’t stand a day without seeing him. It soon became obvious how dependant Dan became. Phil was in his every thought, he spent the evenings at home with Phil instead of with his friends when they clearly said that they don’t want Phil there, he started making plans for the future which involved only Phil, them moving in together, buying a house sometime later, maybe even starting a family. And Phil was completely on board with him on all these plans. He didn’t even have an issue when he found out that he’s not really liked among Dan’s friends and he didn’t deny Dan the chance to go out and party with them. He was as supportive as it gets, reassuring Dan that he wants all of him, all his bad habits, all his fuck ups, all his assholeish friends, anything and everything Dan can offer.

However, doubts started creeping up into Dan’s mind, telling him that he’s making a mistake by being with Phil, that he’ll ruin it all anyway so why not just end it now, that Phil deserves so much more than his sorry ass. The more Dan thought about all this, the more it made sense. He’s been a loner his whole life, he’s hardly compatible with anyone, he’s sure to slip up and brake Phil’s heart at some point, and what is he thinking about getting a house, creating a family? He’s an irresponsible selfish jerk, he could never do right by Phil. He’s not good enough for Phil, Dan decided finally and truly believed that breaking up with Phil was in both their best interest.

The talk happened at Phil’s flat. Dan had been staying there for a few days and already had all his stuff back at his own place when Phil returned in the evening. It went as well as Dan could’ve hoped with less shouting than he thought.

“You’re making a huge mistake,” Phil said when Dan was about to leave. “You don’t know what’s best for me, Dan. And you’re throwing this all away just because you’re scared of committing yourself to one person.”

“This never would’ve worked out, Phil,” Dan bit his lip, glancing at the floor, willing himself not to break down crying.

“You don’t know that,” Phil stepped closed, suddenly eager to make Dan see his point of view.

“And you don’t know if it would,” Dan said with more anger than he intended, Phil stopped in his tracks.

“I don’t,” he admitted. “But we could try. We were perfectly happy,  _you_  made me happy. Why do you have to ruin it all now?” He asked desperately, wanting to understand Dan’s flawed reasoning.

“Because I ruin everything,” the brunet responded.

He hasn’t seen Phil since that night. The day after he’d gotten calls and messages from him, pleading with Dan to be reasonable, saying that they can figure this out. Dan ignored it all, moved away, started his routine all over.

He’s never regretted anything as much as not taking that leap with Phil and choosing to walk through life alone. But it’s all he knows, he doesn’t even dare to think that he could have a better life, a fulfilling one. It’s much easier to stay in your comfort zone than try and reach your dreams which are out of the limits you set yourself, right? But who’s to say that what’s easier is even worth living through? Or that even if you fulfil your dreams, you’ll be happy afterwards? And what if you never get to reach those dreams, getting stuck on the road to them or making a fatal mistake and destroying your chances of ever reaching them? These and other similar thoughts often plague Dan. He doesn’t have answers.


End file.
